This column is either going to entertain you, disgust you or go over your head. Either way it’s a real crap shoot.
Little Mattie Sue is now 1 week old and she is already a very expressive little one. Most of her expressions are a result of her newly functioning digestive system. For me, the challenge is identifying the different faces and what they mean just occurred in her diaper. When you misidentify these faces the ramifications can be a real stinker.
Let’s break them down:
GAS FACE: This face isn’t as easy as it seems. What helps with this one is that usually there is some sort of sound. Even though the sound helps – that can actually lead to a identification of the dreaded poop face. This usually entails the closing of the left eye and a slightly ‘reddening’ of the face followed by a pleasant sigh.
POOP FACE: This face is dangerous. Sometimes Mattie Sue likes to throw you a knuckle ball. It usually includes two squinting eyes. The danger comes when she suckers you into thinking you have a poop face on your hands. When you peel back the diaper to inspect the evidence she then pulls the quick switch and then farts right in your inspecting face. The other crappy part of this is when you are in mid change and poop starts flowing – again. This situation is usually followed up with a beer for Daddy.
PEE FACE: This is usually just flat our red line crying. No one likes a pee filled diaper. Cut to the chase and switch it quick. The issue with the pee face is that when the cold air hits the area it usually results in more pee. This creates quite the liquid mess.
YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND OUT FACE: On this face Mattie Sue is just messing with you. You know she has done some business and the stripe on the diaper has turned green, but she’s keeping her cards close to her. This is usually where you get on the rubber gloves and oxygen mask.
As stressful as it all gets I have to say this has been by far the most wonderful week of my life. It’s an absolute miracle humankind survived without baby wipes and a pacifier.
PHOTO CAPTION: Mattie Sue showing her tricky fart face.